Dear Would-Be Suitors to my Sister's Boyfriend,
Please stop. If I see one more of these incessant comments: "Oh ma gosh, U R soooo ka-yoot and I want ur dick when u come back write me pah-leeeeease luv youuuu lots muah muah!! :) ;) <3 <3 <3" I will MURDER each one of you. I think you realize how annoyingly obvious you are trying to be, and that's the whole point now, isn't it? To claim territory, make your voices heard in order to size up the competition. The thing is there is NO competition, considering he's taken, as in already in a committed relationship with another human being. All of your efforts are futile. If he were my boyfriend, I would've made each of your lives a living hell by now. Sadly, my sister seems to be a better person than I am, so you should all consider yourselves extremely lucky. Shut up and get over yourselves because you're making us adults sick. Just try not to embarrass yourselves too much further, ok? It's just getting sad now.
Sincerely,
Pissed Older Sibling Willing to Punch All of You in the Face
Dear Guy Sitting Across From Me On The Bus,
Thank you so very much for bringing that sandwich with you. I haven't eaten since about noon, so that luscious peanut butter and gooey jelly you're cramming into your face hole make me want to vomit and choke you at the same time. I know it's not entirely your fault, but please be a little more discreet next time. Dancing whilst eating is an example of not being discreet, just so you know. You really made the ride home that much more enjoyable.
Sincerely,
Starving Girl Across From You
PS: You got some jelly on my shoe...so thanks for that wonderful keepsake. Dillhole...
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