Why I'm A Recluse

    Hello there everyone.  I've decided that, for the time being, I'll be posting primarily on Tuesdays and Thursdays, unless something comes up and I have to plan accordingly.  I haven't figured out a set schedule for posts yet, but there may not be one.  That being said, this is only tentative as I'm not sure how my commitment will waver once I finally get a job.  If I forgot to mention it, I've been unemployed since early June and I'm working on it.  I will also be starting online coursework in January for my new Master's in Library and Information Studies degree, (yes, this is a long way away and no, I'm not crazy, just tethered to the higher educational system, clearly).  Again, this may impede my scheduling commitment, but for now, let's see how this goes.

    Today, I'm going to talk a little bit more about myself.  As some of you already know, I have Systemic Lupus Erythematosis, or Lupus for short.  This is an autoimmune disease that affects most of my body, including my internal organs, which has been the bane of my existence for the last 15 years or so.  Currently, I'm fighting off kidney disease and possible failure, but it's gotten a lot better since last summer when I was severely close to needing dialysis.  I've been on a multitude of medications, including drugs intended for patients going through chemotherapy and steroids to help with everything from swelling joints to an inflamed heart.  I've been feeling much better as of late, but I still have a long road to possible recovery, which is still not guaranteed.

    Why am I telling you all this?  Well, it has everything to do with why I enjoy spending as much time inside as humanly possible.  I would trade an afternoon at the beach on a nice day like today for a quiet afternoon in my bedroom reading a book or four.  Technically I've been a self-proclaimed introvert for as long as I can remember.  I know I wasn't always this way because I used to be spunky and outgoing when I was younger.  I have no idea when my personality flipped or when I decided that being quiet and out of the way was easier, but by high school, I was the girl walking head-down through the hallways, trying to get to her next class without getting pushed or stepped on.

    It was a different story when I was with my friends.  Once you get to know me, I'm a bit of a weirdo.  I love making people laugh and many of my friends come to me for advice on the rare occasion that they need any.  I tend to keep a close group of about a dozen good friends nowadays because it's a lot easier and they satisfy my need for happiness.  I enjoy the time I spend with my friends, when I do spend time with them, which has become a rarity as of late.  This isn't because I dislike my friends, but because I hate interacting with people in general.  It takes a lot of my willpower to force myself to hang out with my friends and it took me a long time to figure out why this was a problem.  I love all my friends and family dearly, but there's something else at work here that I felt like explaining.

    It's difficult having an invisible illness like Lupus.  You never know if you're going to wake up exhausted or sore or any other combination of things.  There are variables you have to consider, like making sure you have sunscreen on before you go outside so your kidneys don't suffer or taking a bottle of Advil with you in your purse, just in case.  No amount of coffee could ever correct the chronic fatigue I experience on a daily basis, so it just becomes another mundane routine.  Not a lot of people realize that it's difficult to just get out of bed in the morning, let alone leave the house and get things done.  I've discussed "Spoon Theory" briefly before I think, but I'll leave the link here for those of you who are interested.  Basically, this theory discusses the idea that "Spoonies," or people with chronic illnesses, have a specific number of "spoons" they can use throughout a typical day.  Once those "spoons" are gone, so is their motivation and energy.  A normal human being has an unlimited amount of "spoons" to use in a day and they don't understand what it's like to make decisions based on how many spoons you have.  We need to pick and choose how we use ourselves each day for fear of crashing too early.

    This is why I plan out most of my days in advance.  I'm also mildly OCD, (Onychophagia), but that's besides the point.  The drugs I'm on don't help my mood either.  They've had affected everything in my life, including my appearance and my relationships with people I care about, like my husband and my friends.  The steroids were the worst part and they're one of the main reasons I spent a good portion of time indoors.  While the steroids helped with inflammation and pain, the side effects were less than satisfactory.  I gained a considerable amount of weight, so much so that I felt embarrassed to go out in public because I didn't look like myself.  I tried everything to get the swelling in my face to go down, but to no avail.  I looked like someone who just had their wisdom teeth out on both sides, only it stayed like that for months.  On top of that, because of the severity of my kidney failure, my hair had begun to fall out again, so I had to cut most of it off.  Although I got used to my new hair cut, the hair loss was still relatively noticeable.  I didn't want anyone to see me like that, so I stayed hidden, only leaving to go to work or school, if I had to.  It was a tough time for me and my self esteem.  No one really prepares you for that when they prescribe you medication.

    Due to the strenuous nature of my disease, coupled with the effects of the steroids and other drugs I've pumped into my body, my desire for human interaction has plummeted.  After spending so much time in the house, it's been difficult for me to find my way back outside again.  I've gotten much better and, since being off the steroids, my face has gone back to normal and I've even lost weight.  I have really no reason to stay inside other than the mental repercussions of what I've gone through over the last year.  I wanted to tell this side of my story because it's one that gets little to no attention in the world of chronic disease.  I'm not the only one who's suffered at the hands of steroids and other drugs with physically altering side effects.  I also wanted my friends and family to be aware that even though I may not attend every party or get-together that may come along, I am not avoiding you.  I am actively working on getting out more and experiencing things that I used to enjoy.  I still have to be careful and it definitely won't be easy, but I will try to make a conscious effort to include myself in things.  I'm hoping that next year will be my year to get back to whatever "normal" means for me now.  Thanks for reading and understanding.  I promise that the next post won't be as deep, but I had to get this off my chest.  Until next time, I remain your faithful correspondent.

Panic Mode

    Hello there everyone, it's already Thursday!  This week I've been super busy, which has been both nice and horrible at the same time.  Nice because I'm not just sitting around doing nothing and horrible because I've been running around trying to get everything done...  I'm doing my best not to get discouraged with my job search, but I'm taking a little break this week from looking so I can look more next week while I don't have classes.  I also have two papers due this week, (one was due yesterday and the bigger one due tomorrow...yikes!), so I haven't had a lot of free time to peruse the Internet.

    One thing I am feeling a bit uneasy about is the internship I'm lining up for myself for next year.  This whole process has been daunting, to say the least, as well as uncomfortable.  It's literally like we're on a dating show; the interns visit prospective teachers to see what it's like in their classrooms, then, at the end of the month, we put our top three choices on a form and send it in to wait for a response, (the teachers do the same thing, only with their top three interns).  During this period of observation hours, you have to go into their classes and watch them teach.  I've always been one to sit in the corner and watch, responding to anything the teacher might say to me during the time we have together.  It's all very nice and you get to see what it's like to be in there with them without the responsibility of actually teaching.  More of a fly-on-the-wall thing.

    My issue right now is that everyone in my group of interns kind of already has their top three, which I think is supposed to be "secret," (I don't think we're supposed to tell anyone who we like the best just in case it doesn't work out or they're seeing the same person).  It's awkward most of all because I know a few people who have been seeing my favorite teacher when I'm not there and I'm afraid that we're going to lose that connection we made the first time I saw her.  I also don't know what everyone else is doing when they're in there: Do they help her out?  Organize classroom supplies? etc.  I never know if I'm doing too little or more than enough to make myself known and show that I'm interested, but you just have to wait and see.  It's frustrating because I don't want to lose out on my top picks by putting all my eggs in three symbolical baskets and having none of them put me on their lists.  It's a very confusing, stressful process and I already can't wait for it to be April so I know where I'm going to be.

    I guess I'm just nervous about potentially not finding anyone...  I want to make a connection with someone in a way that is comfortable for both parties, but it seems so forced sometimes.  You have to think about being with this teacher for an entire year, not getting sick of them, supporting their teaching style and being there for them when they need you.  That's a huge deal, and if everyone else isn't freaking out about this like I am then they are completely desensitized.  I'm also the type of person who HATES not knowing ahead of time what's going to happen.  I'm a planner: I have to plan EVERYTHING.  If I don't know what's going to happen, I get anxious and I do research, (if possible).  For example, while watching a TV show on Hulu that has already aired, I will look up the recap of the episode online to see what happens.  I do the same thing with movies, books, etc.  I don't know why, but I just don't like surprises.  With my life already unbalanced, I feel like I have no idea where I'll be next month, let alone next year.  I have to figure out what's going to happen to me, preferably soon.

    On a slightly happier note, let's talk about TV this week!  The two shows that I watched were Agents of SHIELD and How I Met Your Mother, and both had an amazingly good storyline.  SPOILERS AHEAD!...  So the main event in Agents of SHIELD was most definitely the blue man torso in T.A.H.I.T.I. when they broke into the "Guest House."  There are apparently many speculations about who this guy was, what species he is and where he comes from.  My husband and I took a guess and figured he may be one of the frost giants from the Thor series, which seemed most probable to us considering the relationship Thor has with the Avengers, (SHIELD as part of the Avengers), and also the appearance of some familiar Asgardians for the next episode, so we'll see about that.  We are also still researching other alien possibilities from the Marvel universe, including the Kree and an alien tribe on Centauri IV, but without any real clear clues as to who this may be, we're stuck wondering, probably until the end of the season if the previous episodes are any consolation.  I would also like to point out the fact that whatever "drug" Coulson and Skye were injected with has obvious alien properties, so now they have that to bond over.  What's that all about?  If you'd like to voice your opinion on this development, voice your opinions in the comments below.

    How I Met Your Mother was really sad this week, at least in my mind.  First with everyone realizing that this may be the last time in awhile that they will all be together in one place.  Then they hit us with a fast-forward to Ted crying over The Mother's comment about a mother being there for her daughter's wedding, which apparently made everyone believe that she's going to miss her own daughter's wedding, (meaning death).  I think, after this many years of not knowing, if they have the mother be dead at the end of all this, it might actually make sense.  I can see why a lot of people may be angry about waiting this long only to find out that she's already dead.  But I can see where the creators are coming from.  Why else would Ted spend this much time and effort telling his kids about how he met their mother?  I would have to go back to the very beginning to see how he started this conversation, but he may be paying homage to her in his own way.  She did tell him to not "live in his stories," but isn't that exactly what he's doing?  I don't know, I just know that I haven't wanted to cry like that about a television show in awhile, (not since "Same as it Never Was" from the TMNT animated series).
    I think that's it for now.  I have a paper to write!  Speaking of, my topic is actually quite interesting; it's about exploring the possibilities of technology as it pertains to understanding our students as people instead of just students.  I hope I do the subject justice.  If you want to learn more about what I'm researching or what I'm reading about digital literacy, let me know and I can put links to all my resources on my class page.  This weekend will be most welcome, considering I actually have plans and I can relax a little!  I have a birthday party tomorrow night and family dinner with the in-laws on Saturday, so that should be fun!  Spring Break starts next week too and, although I'm not going anywhere, I hope my husband and I can find some time for just the two of us.  Until next time, I remain your faithful correspondent.